^^ wierdaaron, your hyperbolic fears are pretty silly. i've been an avid chicago river kayaker for years and while the water isn't exactly clean, it's far from dangerous. i've probably had untold gallons of river water splashed on me over the years with nary an issue.
in fact, with the warm weather forecast tomorrow, i'm planning to do a 14 mile river kayak journey from the dam up at foster down to chinatown. i may even head all the way down to mckinley park if i'm still feeling good, but this will be my 1st paddle of the season, so i'm guessing my arms will be burning after 14 miles.
i wouldn't recommend swimming in the river or certainly not drinking river water, but it's more than safe for incidental contact. besides, the MWRD has already approved a multi-million dollar project to sterilize outflow from its treatment plants. water quality WILL be improving in the coming years. what's more, the main branch is essentially just lake michigan water (due to the river reversal a century ago), it's far and away the cleanest section of the river, water-wise. the north and south branches are dodgier from a cleanliness standpoint (has anyone ever seen a chicago river jellyfsh?
), not that it stops me, hell, i'll even paddle down on bubbly creek and that's about as bad as it gets.
if you haven't seen them before, click the links in my signature below to see my fairly extensive phototours of the chicago river.