The Dad Thread

[O-tacular]

I know there's been kids threads in the past but wanted to make one for dads (or moms I guess, though I'm not aware of any on this board) to share war stories, advice / wisdom, questions and general support.

I recently read an article about how modern day dads (mostly Millennial and Gen Z) help with kids and home chores an average of 30% more than prior generations. This is a good thing, but it is leading to increasing stress such as working mothers have faced in the past. Things like burnout and problems with juggling work and family life.

In any case, hopefully this thread can be a positive place to share such struggles (if any) or even just relate as dads. Seems like women bond over motherhood, why can't we do the same as fathers?

[esquire]

Dad squad represent!

[MolsonExport]

Dad for nearly 17 years now, with two kids, a wife, and an ancient cat (nearly 19 years old). My full time job, it seems on some days. Never mind the fact that I toil 60 hours a week in academia.

Being a father is the greatest and most difficult/tiring job of all, except maybe for being a mother. My kids look at pictures of me before they were born and wonder "how I got so old looking". I actually look young for my age, but many dads here will understand the toil that parenting takes upon one's life, even though it is worth it in spades....if I had to do it all over again, I would have started a few years earlier and had at least one more kid.

My eldest refused to wait. After getting married at the end of May in 2005, we honeymooned (Maui) for two weeks. The day after returning, we moved to London (from Montreal). The day after that, we discovered that we were expecting. Less than 7 months later, my son was born (9 weeks early, and breech, so he spent a month in NICU...now he is taller than I). Neither my wife or I was finished grad school. That was a really hard year of full time tenure-track professorship in a new city + finishing dissertation in the previous city + parenting (no family at all nearby). My daughter arrived a couple of years later.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by esquire

Dad squad represent!

• Video Link

[hipster duck]

I'm a dad to a 3 year old and an infant, and I'm also an X-ennial.

My kids dominate my life right now. I'm essentially putting a lot of personal projects on hold - or at least at a steady boil - so I can have enough energy after 5pm to look after my kids.

For example, my job is starting to grow a bit stale (all jobs do, because the priorities shift in an organization, and what you were hired to do can often get relegated to the backburner), but it does pay well and has decent benefits. In before-kid times, I would have found a new job months ago, but I don't have the time or energy to go out and network, nor could I promise a prospective employer that I could put in the effort to really do a good job, or to put in the work to reinvent my current job. With daycare schedules and a toddler that drags her feet trying to leave in the mornings, I can't really put in much more than a 9-5, and often it's more like 9:45 - 4:30. Thank god for WFH! Also, once you become a father, job interest and satisfaction has to take somewhat of a backseat to job security, pay and benefits, so I'm sticking around even if, deep down, I find it unsatisfying.

The other thing that's been sacrificed is hobbies or interests that require deep, intensive periods of concentration. You have little scraps of time - ten minutes here, fifteen minutes there, maybe an hour at the end of the night when you're exhausted - to do stuff, but that's not enough to do stuff I really want, so I just end up scrolling around on my phone, and coming to places like here.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by MolsonExport

Being a father is the greatest and most difficult/tiring job of all, except maybe for being a mother. My kids look at pictures of me before they were born and wonder "how I got so old looking". I actually look young for my age, but many dads here will understand the toil that parenting takes upon one's life, even though it is worth it in spades....if I had to do it all over again, I would have started a few years earlier and had at least one more kid.

Yes. It's a cliche I only now have come to understand. Being a father is the hardest job you will ever have.

[esquire]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

• Video Link

[WhipperSnapper]

Wait until your kid(s) is/are teenagers. In my experience, the last thing you will want to do is start a Dad thread in a skyscraper forum. I'm divorced and she lives with her mother in another province.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by hipster duck

I'm a dad to a 3 year old and an infant, and I'm also an X-ennial.

My kids dominate my life right now. I'm essentially putting a lot of personal projects on hold - or at least at a steady boil - so I can have enough energy after 5pm to look after my kids.

For example, my job is starting to grow a bit stale (all jobs do, because the priorities shift in an organization, and what you were hired to do can often get relegated to the backburner), but it does pay well and has decent benefits. In before-kid times, I would have found a new job months ago, but I don't have the time or energy to go out and network, nor could I promise a prospective employer that I could put in the effort to really do a good job. With daycare schedules and a toddler that drags her feet, I can't really put in much more than a 9-5, and often it's more like 9:45 - 4:30. Also, once you become a father, job interest and satisfaction has to take somewhat of a backseat to job security, pay and benefits, so I'm sticking around even if, deep down, I find it unsatisfying.

The other thing that's been sacrificed is hobbies or interests that require deep, intensive periods of concentration. You have little bits of space - ten minutes here, fifteen minutes there, maybe an hour at the end of the night when you're exhausted - to do stuff, but that's not enough time to do stuff I really want, so I just end up scrolling around on my phone, and coming to places like here.

This could be a description of me. I'm also an X-ennial (right on the cusp between the two where I don't quite fit with Millennials or Gen Xers) I'll be 40 this year (Fuck that's scary to admit!). I have a 3 year old and a 4 mth old. The work schedule sounds similar, though mine is even more limited due to other needs / circumstances. It's a good thing I work for family (even though the strain is at a breaking point right now) as I couldn't do a regular job. There is literally not enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm up until midnight many nights catching up on housework. My son has a speech delay and has required extra help and attention. My wife has had multiple medical issues with pregnancy and post partum. Life right now feels like a combo of a meat grinder / marathon sprinkled with small moments of joy with the kids. Marital life is non existent. It's kids 24/7. Spent the entire Halloween weekend building a toddler bed as the baby and 3 year alternated screaming and my wife needed help with other things. I literally don't have enough hands or time to deal with all the fires that are simultaneously burning at any given point.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by WhipperSnapper

Wait until your kid(s) is/are teenagers.

I've heard that multiple times. If I can take a shit or have a shower or even eat a meal without interruption I will take the teenager.

In my experience, the last thing you will want to do is start a Dad thread in a skyscraper forum. I'm divorced and she lives with her mother in another province.

???

[MolsonExport]

40? You're a young'un. I am turning 53 (!) in a few days. For the first time, I am actually starting to count the years until I can retire (although each time they raise interest rates, that gets pushed back a year or two).

One thing about being a dad: the hamster wheel of life spins a heck of a lot faster.

[WarrenC12]

Originally Posted by hipster duck

For example, my job is starting to grow a bit stale (all jobs do, because the priorities shift in an organization, and what you were hired to do can often get relegated to the backburner), but it does pay well and has decent benefits. In before-kid times, I would have found a new job months ago, but I don't have the time or energy to go out and network, nor could I promise a prospective employer that I could put in the effort to really do a good job, or to put in the work to reinvent my current job.

Yep I feel this. Work is just a way to get by, not a way of life. Family becomes much more important when you have kids, I think. And I still want some time to do my own hobbies.

[MolsonExport]

teenagers are....difficult. there was a golden period when the kids were say, 10-12. Old enough to take care of themselves in many respects. Young enough to want to spend time with their folks (or not be "Embarrassed" by them). Nowhere near as exhausting as say, when they were aged 0-4. But you become a taxi driver, and you become broke (they always need new clothes, they have expensive tastes, they eat all the time....they suck my wallet dry!). I still love them to death, of course.

My 16+ year old son barely gives me the time of day, and he is seemingly always pissed off at me. We used to be great friends....I think it is just the age. I recall not wanting to spend any time with my parents at that age (my own folks were split up by the time I was 14, so it was not a happy home). My daughter is now showing the same teenage attitude, and hates being told to do anything.

[VANRIDERFAN]

It's obvious that I'm quite a bit older than most here. My Daughter and Son are 30 and 26 respectfully. They are well on their way in their chosen careers (Archivist and Radio Personality) but there appears to be no grandchildren on the horizon (I'm sooooo ready to be grandpa!)

While my kids were growing up I was a sea going naval officer so I feel I wasn't around enough to be an overbearing father. But from what I'm told by my children they took my sayings to heart - "Bad news never get better with age" "Be aware that the kid at the till has no control of the cost of anything they are selling, so don't be an asshole". There are few others but you get my drift.
But in the end I give most of the credit to my ex-wife and even when we divorced we are still friends and our kids really appreciate that and is reflected in their (mostly) positive outlook.

Oh one more thing, if your kids are into sports please don't be the jackass parent in the stands or sidelines yelling advice to your child or coaches. Or even worse getting into fights, nothing damages a child's psyche more than a parent that publicly embarrasses them.

[esquire]

Interesting stories. My kids are elementary school age and we are the cliched yuppie helicopter parents taking them from one sport or activity to another

But they love it... we wouldn't force them to do anything. My wife and I grew up in working class households and we never got the chance to do a lot of the things our kids get to experience, so it feels nice to give them the opportunity. It does mean that there isn't a ton of time for our own pursuits, but that's fine... we know this phase won't last that long.

My son in many ways is a mini-me, he is even a sports nut. He loves to play, but he also loves to go with me to games. I took him to his first Bomber game when he was 3 and to my amazement he was interested for the entire 4 hours+ from pregame to the final gun. Not a week goes by during the season where we aren't making it out to watch a hockey or football game, or at least watching on TV. It is fun having something like that to bond over!

My daughter is younger, she has a wider range of activities. She is a huge fan of Disney+ and she is always singing the songs. She's a December birthday so she is among the youngest in her class. She loves dance and she's a veteran Timbits ringette player too.

[HomeInMyShoes]

I am a dad to three boys. 12 - 6 - 2.

I am 52. Too old to have a two year old in my mind, but that's the way our life has gone. It has been incredibly rewarding, but it's insanity I tell you!

[MolsonExport]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

This could be a description of me. I'm also an X-ennial (right on the cusp between the two where I don't quite fit with Millennials or Gen Xers) I'll be 40 this year (Fuck that's scary to admit!). I have a 3 year old and a 4 mth old. The work schedule sounds similar, though mine is even more limited due to other needs / circumstances. It's a good thing I work for family (even though the strain is at a breaking point right now) as I couldn't do a regular job. There is literally not enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm up until midnight many nights catching up on housework. My son has a speech delay and has required extra help and attention. My wife has had multiple medical issues with pregnancy and post partum. Life right now feels like a combo of a meat grinder / marathon sprinkled with small moments of joy with the kids. Marital life is non existent. It's kids 24/7. Spent the entire Halloween weekend building a toddler bed as the baby and 3 year alternated screaming and my wife needed help with other things. I literally don't have enough hands or time to deal with all the fires that are simultaneously burning at any given point.

I hear ya. I remember those early years....I felt like I didn't have enough time to take a shit; at least without getting interrupted.

it will get better. there will be more joyful moments to compliment the hard times.

[esquire]

Originally Posted by MolsonExport

I hear ya. I remember those early years....I felt like I didn't have enough time to take a shit; at least without getting interrupted.

it will get better. there will be more joyful moments to compliment the hard times.

Oh goodness yes. It is tough for sure when kids are in the toddler/preschooler years. (At least when they're babies they tend to stay wherever you put them down )

[Zeej]

New dad here to a 5-month old.

I am so tired.

Also stressed about job security - as an architect, we are affected early by economic headwinds, but luckily we seem to have a steady flow. I've never been this stressed about work before. Being responsible for a little human is shockingly life altering. No amount of books or parenting courses really prepare you it seems.

[Luisito]

Father to a 9 year old girl.

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by Zeej

New dad here to a 5-month old.

Hey congrats.