The Dad Thread

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by drew

I have a 12 and 9 year old.

We were in our early 30's when the first kid was born, and if I had to do it all over again, we would have had the kids 5 years earlier.

Even given the financial constraints - dad'ing is a young man's game! Especially the early years.

Yes! Though ironically many lack the patience in youth. It's a pick your poison scenario of lack of energy in middle age vs lack of maturity in youth. HomeInMyShoes has my respect because I'm a decade younger and feel too old at times. Funny enough my health is better now than it was in my 20's though due to undiagnosed conditions. I couldn't have functioned on the lack of sleep back then.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by Acajack

My wife and I had our first in our early 30s and my view is that same: if we were to start over it would have been around 28.

We were already together and married at that time, but wanted to wait until we were "stable" in our careers and fully ready.

Turns out you're never really "ready" for everything parenthood throws at you, and while that doesn't mean I'd advise my kids to make a rash decision about that when they're too young, a lot of couples put it off too long because they want to be absolutely perfectly ready.

Yes that's true. We were partially in that boat too. The only other couple who could have kids in our family is now passing that point of no return seeming either oblivious or maybe secretly not wanting kids after all. It's sad between 3 other siblings our kids will have no first cousins.

[WhipperSnapper]

Babies before they sleep through the night are tough but, they are 100x tougher on mothers.

I think I've mostly blocked the 3 year old toddler period from my mind. I do recall understanding previous generations use of capital punishment. Yelling, time outs and, threats against their favourite toys only work for so long.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by MolsonExport

I was positively ancient, aged 36 for my first and 38 for my second (at 53 now, I am at the age when many dads of times past would have been a grandfather....some of my friends are already grandfathers).

Wow! I had both my kids at pretty much the exact same ages. Technically the newest I had just turned 39 a month before. But 36 for my first. I've done the mental math of how old I will be when they become teenagers and graduate HS. It freaks me out that I was 18 when my dad turned 40. I still remember his birthday party.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by WhipperSnapper

Babies before they sleep through the night are tough but, they are 100x tougher on mothers.

I think I've mostly blocked the 3 year old toddler period from my mind. I do recall understanding previous generations use of capital punishment. Yelling, time outs and, threats against their favourite toys only work for so long.

I never thought I'd have the urge to spank my child but can totally relate (I haven't and wouldn't spank him but damn sometimes it feels tempting).

Agreed mothers have it much harder. Especially breast feeding stay at home moms like my wife.

[Acajack]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

Yes! Though ironically many lack the patience in youth. It's a pick your poison scenario of lack of energy in middle age vs lack of maturity in youth. HomeInMyShoes has my respect because I'm a decade younger and feel too old at times. Funny enough my health is better now than it was in my 20's though due to undiagnosed conditions. I couldn't have functioned on the lack of sleep back then.

There is still some amount of societal shaming of couples who don't want to have kids, so people who keep putting it off saying they want to be really, really ready may not really desire children and use that as a way to get people off their backs.

Though I do know people who waited too late and who do have regrets, though obviously some have adopted. (Childless professional couples who have passed 40 usually have lots of money for international adoption.)

But if you are in a couple and having children (preferably biological) is an important life goal, you need to realize that there is a specific age window where you can make it happen, and need to align at least some of your life towards that.

[YOWflier]

Had my kids when I was 37 and 39. NOT the right age for that.

[Acajack]

Originally Posted by esquire

It's funny that you mention that. I was the same way. I did have some activities but I never really stuck with them. And my parents didn't really push me. They respected my wishes which... I don't know. If your seven year old tells you they don't want to continue with swimming lessons, does it make sense to listen to them?

I'll never be the dad who throws a screaming child out on the ice yelling "YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY, DAMMIT!" But at the same time I do want to provide more encouragement than I got as a child. And even at the young ages of my kids it's nice to see them sticking with it and having fun. My kids have a lot of activities but their favourites are hockey for my son, and dance for my daughter... neither is likely to ever make a living at those pursuits, but it's fun, they enjoy it, and it's good for them so I support it wholeheartedly as long as it lasts.

I had wonderful parents so I don't want to bitch against them, but sometimes I wish they had pushed me a bit more: in school especially and also in activities I guess.

Looking back I realize I had an incredible amount of freedom to decide what I wanted to do (though I was reasonably self-motivated in school) but do wonder what could have been if I had been pushed like my kids have been by my wife and I. (Not obsessively so, just enough.)

[dancinb]

What a refreshing thread!

I had my kids when I was 38 and 40 (they're now 6 and 3). I tell younger guys that think they want kids to have them when they're younger and have energy.

That being said, yes I'm out of "the pit" of infant-hood now and the joy of watching them grow and learn is unmatched by anything I've ever experienced.

I love the feeling of instant camaraderie with other dads just because we have kids. It's so easy to laugh with them about how over-the-top parenting can be. I love asking older dads for advice - they're always so encouraging and happy to share their experiences war stories. My kids have definitely brought out the best and worst in me.

My favourite things to ask new dads is "Have you brushed your teeth this week?" Always gets a good laugh.

[thenoflyzone]

Originally Posted by HomeInMyShoes

I am a dad to three boys. 12 - 6 - 2.

I am 52. Too old to have a two year old in my mind, but that's the way our life has gone. It has been incredibly rewarding, but it's insanity I tell you!

I’m a dad of 3 as well. A soon to be 12 year old girl and 2 boys, 7 and 3. I can confirm the insanity. But I’m 13 years younger than you, so it’s probably a bit more bearable for me.

I’m lucky that both me and my wife’s parents live close by, and we use them as often as we can to babysit. Me and the wife like our alone time as well. I think that makes a big difference.

By the replies on this thread, I see that most dads stopped at 2 kids. We must be the insane ones I guess that went for the third!!

[1overcosc]

Originally Posted by Wigs

nice to see a wholesome thread!

I give you guys and your spouses/partners credit. I could have been a father in my late 20s or 30, but now I wouldn't even have the energy. I don't understand how people had large families back in the day. My Dad comes from a family of 9, 8 siblings, and my maternal grandfather came from a family of 12!

My niece "threenager" as O-tacular says is the closest I get (right now) and she's a long distance away in Cali. My brother uses Skype/Zoom calls as grandparent virtual babysitting sessions

I think back in the day, it was much more common to have single income households, there was less social expectations on parents to spend so much time with their kids & organize activities (parenting was much more "free range" and there was a sink or swim mentality where it was seen as ok if one or two kids completely failed to grow up properly) and large families meant there was free babysitting from uncles, aunts, cousins, and even older siblings. All these things combined to make kids less work than they are today, but it does mean that kids today are getting better parenting. Quality over quantity, I guess.

[esquire]

Originally Posted by Acajack

I had wonderful parents so I don't want to bitch against them, but sometimes I wish they had pushed me a bit more: in school especially and also in activities I guess.

Looking back I realize I had an incredible amount of freedom to decide what I wanted to do (though I was reasonably self-motivated in school) but do wonder what could have been if I had been pushed like my kids have been by my wife and I. (Not obsessively so, just enough.)

I think our experiences were quite similar... my parents were great, but they gave me a lot of freedom. Almost too much. In some areas I handled it well and acted responsibly, and in others not quite so much. But I learned. I think those experiences shaped my own approach to parenting.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by thenoflyzone

By the replies on this thread, I see that most dads stopped at 2 kids. We must be the insane ones I guess that went for the third!!

When we were younger I wanted 3 kids. My wife has 2 siblings and told me of the challenges. Then we had our first child and reality set in a little. After the second one practically killed my wife during pregnancy that ship has officially sailed. In fact I have to now start looking at places to get a vasectomy! Starting to get a little freaked out now imagining the procedure.

I never realized 2 kids is like 10X the work of 1. I can't even imagine 3. One kid must get neglected at any given moment. Though in your case the 12 yo at least would be self sufficient.

[1overcosc]

Originally Posted by Acajack

I had wonderful parents so I don't want to bitch against them, but sometimes I wish they had pushed me a bit more: in school especially and also in activities I guess.

Looking back I realize I had an incredible amount of freedom to decide what I wanted to do (though I was reasonably self-motivated in school) but do wonder what could have been if I had been pushed like my kids have been by my wife and I. (Not obsessively so, just enough.)

I feel this 100%. As a kid my parents were pushovers. The second I indicated I didn't want to do an activity, they pulled me out of it. If I didn't like supper they would always make something else for me. And they never made me do chores or clean my room.

I spent a good deal of my early to mid 20s learning how to be a functional human and even now at age 30 I still struggle with basic housework.

One of my worries is that if/when I have kids I'll swing too much the other way and be too strict and raise kids who'll hate me.

[esquire]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

When we were younger I wanted 3 kids. My wife has 2 siblings and told me of the challenges. Then we had our first child and reality set in a little. After the second one practically killed my wife during pregnancy that ship has officially sailed. In fact I have to now start looking at places to get a vasectomy! Starting to get a little freaked out now imagining the procedure.

I never realized 2 kids is like 10X the work of 1. I can't even imagine 3. One kid must get neglected at any given moment.

A combination of a slightly late start and pregnancy difficulties both times for my wife sank any thoughts of having three or more.

Three is not that uncommon in my circles, but four or more definitely is, at least for non-blended families. At that point religious factors generally play into it

[Djeffery]

Dad of 20 year old boy-girl twins. Funny how 20 years seems to have flown by but Friday takes forever lol. I was 32 when we had them. I took 6 months of parental leave when the kids were born (well, their second 6 months, my wife stayed home the first 6 months). I highly recommend any dad to do that. It was an awesome time. Get up and feed them, take them for a drive for a nap, walk around the mall with the double stroller, babies are chick magnets lol. We were also building a new house in that time I was off, and the realtor at the new subdivision loved it when I would come in with the kids in their carriers while we picked samples or discussed floor plan changes.

I also had a vasectomy right at the start of that time off, fortunately when my wife and I were overlapping our time off. Saw the comment above about dreading it, and that was the worst part, the dread, as the procedure was pretty simple. Plus you get to be a suck for a couple days and wives really love it when their partner does this.

The year they started school, I ended up going on the afternoon shift (not by choice). Back in those days, the first couple years at school were every other day, so we had a daycare provider who covered off the off days. I was on that shift until they were 10, so I missed out on all the weeknight activities (still not sure if I got the good end of that sometimes though lol). I do recall on a cruise vacation though, my daughter was in the kids club talent show and I was like "when they hell did she learn to dance and use a hula hoop like that" lol.

I've seen some comments on the teen years, but I haven't seen mentioned what we have experienced. My son really has latched on to mom, and my daughter is more close to me. Although my daughter is also more close to mom than my son is to me as well lol. I probably pushed my son away a bit as he was really hating school and pretended to be sick a lot and I rode his ass pretty hard about it. He completely dropped out of high school when covid hit and everything went online and he is probably 6 or 7 credits short of graduating, although he says he is going to do finish it online. He will talk about doing something, and I'll bring up maybe working on finishing school and he walks away and doesn't speak for a few days.

There are times I wish we had kids earlier in our marriage (I was 26, she was 25), as I think about my parents and the lives they lived after I was grown, they were 23 and 20 when I came along. I mean, my wife and I were married a year when we had a surprise 50th birthday party for her mom, and my wife turned 50 a couple years ago when the kids were still teens lol. But then I also look at the life we lived before kids, drop what we were doing and go away for a weekend, go out at night, go on trips, and think "wouldn't it have been nice to have a few more years of that" lol.

[Acajack]

Originally Posted by 1overcosc

I feel this 100%. As a kid my parents were pushovers. The second I indicated I didn't want to do an activity, they pulled me out of it. If I didn't like supper they would always make something else for me. And they never made me do chores or clean my room.

I spent a good deal of my early to mid 20s learning how to be a functional human and even now at age 30 I still struggle with basic housework.

One of my worries is that if/when I have kids I'll swing too much the other way and be too strict and raise kids who'll hate me.

I guess this is "rich people's problems" but a big failing with my kids is not teaching them to help out with chores or to pick up after themselves.

I guess it's related to prioritizing school plus lots of activities multiple times a week that's to blame, followed by school + activities + part-time jobs later on.

They're a bit better now, but I wonder if it isn't mostly due to their significant others guilt-tripping them: "hey, come on, let's help your parents clean up!"

[Me&You]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

When we were younger I wanted 3 kids. My wife has 2 siblings and told me of the challenges. Then we had our first child and reality set in a little. After the second one practically killed my wife during pregnancy that ship has officially sailed. In fact I have to now start looking at places to get a vasectomy! Starting to get a little freaked out now imagining the procedure.

I never realized 2 kids is like 10X the work of 1. I can't even imagine 3. One kid must get neglected at any given moment. Though in your case the 12 yo at least would be self sufficient.

Dad of 4 here and I'll tell you, the transition from 1-2 was harder than 2-3 (and 3-4).

We had a pretty difficult time with our first. Initially she wouldn't latch properly, so attempting to breastfeed for the first few weeks were uber stressful on my wife. Once she got that down, the next issue was sleep... We must've read a dozen books and talked to every friend, relative and 'specialist' we could. I shit you not, our first born slept through the night once in the first 17 months! As mentioned by others, the saving grace was having supportive family nearby that let us take the occasional night off (I think probably 3-4... guess that's where #2 came from ).

Two was hard because you're still learning on the job, terribly sleep deprived and basically still in "what the heck is going on" mode. The advantage is being able to play man defense... That and basically being numb from the sleep deprivation.

#3 was surprisingly easier than I expected going in. To be completely honest, both my wife and I had a real "oh shit" moment. The funny thing is, by then, everything about the pregnancy and getting ready for the baby were basically old hat... I mean, we're lucky because we're both young-ish and had no complications with the first pregnancies, but besides that, there was less of a sense of the unknown. That, and we'd already weeded through what's gimmicky and what's actually necessary when it came to baby stuff and gear (plus had sunk costs on things like cribs, car seats, etc).

By the time the fourth came around, the feeling was more of a casual "here we go again".

Now the oldest is 10, going on 17... The youngest just turned 4 and does everything she can to keep up with the rest. I've never felt that any have been neglected. In fact, COVID and lock downs made us appreciate having them all that much more - they were never bored, never glued to screens, and always had someone different to play or do something with. A definite blessing in disguise we weren't specifically expecting.

I feel like we're in a bit of a lull period because the younger two aren't fully involved in sports and activities yet and the older two are mostly involved in the same things, so logistics isn't a total nightmare yet. Next year should get easier with all four being in full day school, but also harder as the activities ramp up.

The hardest part I see now and with no real end in sight is the sheer number of us... Table for 6. Two full rows of seats on a plane. Two hotel rooms. Etc, etc... And of course, with that, comes the cost. Even fast food bills can still catch me off guard... "How much for what?!"

Fortunately, we're pretty OK there... My wife stays home for now, as that's more than a full time job and it wouldn't make sense financially otherwise to pay for the care we'd otherwise need. I guess we'll see what life looks like with all of them in school. I must say though, what Hipster Duck's friend related to him is true... Another good reason for my wife to stay home once all the kids are in school

Personally, I work from home, which is a blessing and a curse... I'm pleased to say I've never missed a recital, show, game, etc and am pretty involved in the day-to-day activities, school drop offs, etc (working from home, that becomes my "outings" ha!). That said, my company basically operates as a sales team, so there are no set hours and I'm the last line of defense or final word when something comes up. It's a delicate balance between attentive father/husband and attentive boss, especially when everyone - myself included - earns on a purely eat-what-you-kill basis. So far, I seem to be walking that line with minimal missteps... I guess that's all we can really hope for

[thenoflyzone]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

In fact I have to now start looking at places to get a vasectomy! Starting to get a little freaked out now imagining the procedure.

Funny story actually.

I was supposed to get a vasectomy after my second kid. Never followed through, procrastinated, and then, one day, my wife tells me she's pregnant with #3. I started cursing, and then I told my wife to get me another vasectomy referral from her doctor ASAP (I had lost the other one). I had the procedure done a few days before #3 was born.

BEST. DECISION. EVER.

Once you get it done, just ice it often, and be a couch potatoe for a week. You'll be fine.

Originally Posted by Me&You

Dad of 4 here

You're nuts....Don't need to read the rest of what you wrote.....you're just nuts....

My front neighbors have 5. They belong in a mental asylum....

[esquire]

Originally Posted by Me&You

The hardest part I see now and with no real end in sight is the sheer number of us... Table for 6. Two full rows of seats on a plane. Two hotel rooms. Etc, etc... And of course, with that, comes the cost. Even fast food bills can still catch me off guard... "How much for what?!"

Someone I know who had triplets observed that "the world is designed for families of four"... there are definitely major logistical and cost challenges that come with having more than two kids!