The Dad Thread

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by Acajack

My wife and I had our first in our early 30s and my view is that same: if we were to start over it would have been around 28.

We were already together and married at that time, but wanted to wait until we were "stable" in our careers and fully ready.

Turns out you're never really "ready" for everything parenthood throws at you, and while that doesn't mean I'd advise my kids to make a rash decision about that when they're too young, a lot of couples put it off too long because they want to be absolutely perfectly ready.

Yes that's true. We were partially in that boat too. The only other couple who could have kids in our family is now passing that point of no return seeming either oblivious or maybe secretly not wanting kids after all. It's sad between 3 other siblings our kids will have no first cousins.

[harls]

Originally Posted by esquire

There is a certain sweet spot. I probably would have been too immature to be a good dad at 20, for instance. But chasing around a baby now in my 40s would be exhausting.

Looking back at it, the late 20s would probably have been the most ideal time for me to start having kids... young enough to be energetic and still have lots of years to enjoy down the road with grandchildren, etc., but old enough to be mature and financially stable/independent. I ended up with my first kid in my mid 30s.

Both my parents were 19 when I was born. I think I might have been an 'oops'.

I had my first kid at 29, much more sensible

[MolsonExport]

Originally Posted by harls

Both my parents were 19 when I was born. I think I might have been an 'oops'.

I had my first kid at 29, much more sensible

I was positively ancient, aged 36 for my first and 38 for my second (at 53 now, I am at the age when many dads of times past would have been a grandfather....some of my friends are already grandfathers).

Young people often don't realize how narrow that optimal window is. In my case, I was in school until I was 24, then career for 5 years, then back to school, ostensibly for a Master's degree only, but then I decided to also do a PhD and the years that this took....suddenly you are in your mid thirties, without much economic resources, and you've got to get your career (back) on track, start a family, buy a home, etc....

Mind you, I still felt fresh and young at 36....big difference than now at 53 (even though physically, I am in good shape, but the years take their toll regardless). You have to think backwards: If I wait until__ to have a kid, how old will I be if the kid stays home until they are 24 years old? And then, if I want to have more kids in the future...same mental calculus applies.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by MolsonExport

I was positively ancient, aged 36 for my first and 38 for my second (at 53 now, I am at the age when many dads of times past would have been a grandfather....some of my friends are already grandfathers).

Wow! I had both my kids at pretty much the exact same ages. Technically the newest I had just turned 39 a month before. But 36 for my first. I've done the mental math of how old I will be when they become teenagers and graduate HS. It freaks me out that I was 18 when my dad turned 40. I still remember his birthday party.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by drew

I have a 12 and 9 year old.

We were in our early 30's when the first kid was born, and if I had to do it all over again, we would have had the kids 5 years earlier.

Even given the financial constraints - dad'ing is a young man's game! Especially the early years.

Yes! Though ironically many lack the patience in youth. It's a pick your poison scenario of lack of energy in middle age vs lack of maturity in youth. HomeInMyShoes has my respect because I'm a decade younger and feel too old at times. Funny enough my health is better now than it was in my 20's though due to undiagnosed conditions. I couldn't have functioned on the lack of sleep back then.

[Acajack]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

Yes! Though ironically many lack the patience in youth. It's a pick your poison scenario of lack of energy in middle age vs lack of maturity in youth. HomeInMyShoes has my respect because I'm a decade younger and feel too old at times. Funny enough my health is better now than it was in my 20's though due to undiagnosed conditions. I couldn't have functioned on the lack of sleep back then.

There is still some amount of societal shaming of couples who don't want to have kids, so people who keep putting it off saying they want to be really, really ready may not really desire children and use that as a way to get people off their backs.

Though I do know people who waited too late and who do have regrets, though obviously some have adopted. (Childless professional couples who have passed 40 usually have lots of money for international adoption.)

But if you are in a couple and having children (preferably biological) is an important life goal, you need to realize that there is a specific age window where you can make it happen, and need to align at least some of your life towards that.

[harls]

Man, I can't math today. I got married at 29, had my first kid at 31.

This is what kids do to you.

[HomeInMyShoes]

Originally Posted by harls

Man, I can't math today. I got married at 29, had my first kid at 31.

This is what kids do to you.

It's all that new math.

[Wigs]

nice to see a wholesome thread!

I give you guys and your spouses/partners credit. I could have been a father in my late 20s or 30, but now I wouldn't even have the energy. I don't understand how people had large families back in the day. My Dad comes from a family of 9, 8 siblings, and my maternal grandfather came from a family of 12!

My niece "threenager" as O-tacular says is the closest I get (right now) and she's a long distance away in Cali. My brother uses Skype/Zoom calls as grandparent virtual babysitting sessions

[1overcosc]

Originally Posted by Wigs

nice to see a wholesome thread!

I give you guys and your spouses/partners credit. I could have been a father in my late 20s or 30, but now I wouldn't even have the energy. I don't understand how people had large families back in the day. My Dad comes from a family of 9, 8 siblings, and my maternal grandfather came from a family of 12!

My niece "threenager" as O-tacular says is the closest I get (right now) and she's a long distance away in Cali. My brother uses Skype/Zoom calls as grandparent virtual babysitting sessions

I think back in the day, it was much more common to have single income households, there was less social expectations on parents to spend so much time with their kids & organize activities (parenting was much more "free range" and there was a sink or swim mentality where it was seen as ok if one or two kids completely failed to grow up properly) and large families meant there was free babysitting from uncles, aunts, cousins, and even older siblings. All these things combined to make kids less work than they are today, but it does mean that kids today are getting better parenting. Quality over quantity, I guess.

[MolsonExport]

Migs, please don't sully any more threads.

[WhipperSnapper]

Babies before they sleep through the night are tough but, they are 100x tougher on mothers.

I think I've mostly blocked the 3 year old toddler period from my mind. I do recall understanding previous generations use of capital punishment. Yelling, time outs and, threats against their favourite toys only work for so long.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by WhipperSnapper

Babies before they sleep through the night are tough but, they are 100x tougher on mothers.

I think I've mostly blocked the 3 year old toddler period from my mind. I do recall understanding previous generations use of capital punishment. Yelling, time outs and, threats against their favourite toys only work for so long.

I never thought I'd have the urge to spank my child but can totally relate (I haven't and wouldn't spank him but damn sometimes it feels tempting).

Agreed mothers have it much harder. Especially breast feeding stay at home moms like my wife.

[YOWflier]

Had my kids when I was 37 and 39. NOT the right age for that.

[Jaws]

Originally Posted by FlyYOW

Had my kids when I was 37 and 39. NOT the right age for that.

Me too. Exactly the same ages. I kept in shape just to keep up to my kids. They're 14 and almost 16 now. Still in good shape...

[esquire]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

When we were younger I wanted 3 kids. My wife has 2 siblings and told me of the challenges. Then we had our first child and reality set in a little. After the second one practically killed my wife during pregnancy that ship has officially sailed. In fact I have to now start looking at places to get a vasectomy! Starting to get a little freaked out now imagining the procedure.

I never realized 2 kids is like 10X the work of 1. I can't even imagine 3. One kid must get neglected at any given moment.

A combination of a slightly late start and pregnancy difficulties both times for my wife sank any thoughts of having three or more.

Three is not that uncommon in my circles, but four or more definitely is, at least for non-blended families. At that point religious factors generally play into it

[Djeffery]

Dad of 20 year old boy-girl twins. Funny how 20 years seems to have flown by but Friday takes forever lol. I was 32 when we had them. I took 6 months of parental leave when the kids were born (well, their second 6 months, my wife stayed home the first 6 months). I highly recommend any dad to do that. It was an awesome time. Get up and feed them, take them for a drive for a nap, walk around the mall with the double stroller, babies are chick magnets lol. We were also building a new house in that time I was off, and the realtor at the new subdivision loved it when I would come in with the kids in their carriers while we picked samples or discussed floor plan changes.

I also had a vasectomy right at the start of that time off, fortunately when my wife and I were overlapping our time off. Saw the comment above about dreading it, and that was the worst part, the dread, as the procedure was pretty simple. Plus you get to be a suck for a couple days and wives really love it when their partner does this.

The year they started school, I ended up going on the afternoon shift (not by choice). Back in those days, the first couple years at school were every other day, so we had a daycare provider who covered off the off days. I was on that shift until they were 10, so I missed out on all the weeknight activities (still not sure if I got the good end of that sometimes though lol). I do recall on a cruise vacation though, my daughter was in the kids club talent show and I was like "when they hell did she learn to dance and use a hula hoop like that" lol.

I've seen some comments on the teen years, but I haven't seen mentioned what we have experienced. My son really has latched on to mom, and my daughter is more close to me. Although my daughter is also more close to mom than my son is to me as well lol. I probably pushed my son away a bit as he was really hating school and pretended to be sick a lot and I rode his ass pretty hard about it. He completely dropped out of high school when covid hit and everything went online and he is probably 6 or 7 credits short of graduating, although he says he is going to do finish it online. He will talk about doing something, and I'll bring up maybe working on finishing school and he walks away and doesn't speak for a few days.

There are times I wish we had kids earlier in our marriage (I was 26, she was 25), as I think about my parents and the lives they lived after I was grown, they were 23 and 20 when I came along. I mean, my wife and I were married a year when we had a surprise 50th birthday party for her mom, and my wife turned 50 a couple years ago when the kids were still teens lol. But then I also look at the life we lived before kids, drop what we were doing and go away for a weekend, go out at night, go on trips, and think "wouldn't it have been nice to have a few more years of that" lol.

[kool maudit]

As the new dad of a seven-month old born in the very late 1970s, I came late to this. I wouldn't counsel anyone to wait that long. That said, it's kind of amazing how even the most difficult periods have never led to my really doubting that this was the right thing to do. It's almost amazing. If I described these situations to my childless self, that would have been the obvious conclusion, but it's just not the felt reality.

I will say that it is an incredible motivation to take care of myself.

Stupidly, I didn't know that the Swedish parental leave system was not automatic, you have to apply for it, and the delays can be up to seven months. Luckily, mine was approved yesterday, so I am now trying to set up my very own huge, multi-month chunk of fatherhood leave, and I hope the system works as advertised. I know Swedish guys who basically didn't go to work for seemingly impossible stretches of time while their children were young, but Swedish guys grew up on the many ways one can manipulate this incredibly occult, complicated system. I'll probably get screwed.

Still, I'll always remember the reason an old friend of mine moved to Montreal... when she asked her boss in Louisiana about mat leave, he said "mat leave is you're fired". So I'm sure I can do a little better than that.

[niwell]

Originally Posted by kool maudit

As the new dad of a seven-month old born in the very late 1970s, I came late to this. I wouldn't counsel anyone to wait that long. That said, it's kind of amazing how even the most difficult periods have never led to my really doubting that this was the right thing to do. It's almost amazing. If I described these situations to my childless self, that would have been the obvious conclusion, but it's just not the felt reality.

I will say that it is an incredible motivation to take care of myself.

As someone almost in that age range who is currently childless but has a somewhat decent chance of that changing that in the next year or so - it seems extremely daunting. I visit my best friend who's my age and has a 1 year old and all of it seems very, very hard. But I do think there's a lot of truth that your brain chemistry literally changes to make it so you don't regret it (or murder them!). He's literally said the same thing as you about explaining it to his childless self, which also applies to explaining it to me.
Having a support network seems crucial as well.


My wife and I have been "trying" (I hate when people say that but can't think of a better word) for the past couple years without anything. And really it's been more of a "we'll see what happens" situation. So we aren't going to be devastated if it doesn't happen, but decided to try IVF for one last attempt since it's relatively cheap with the combo of government coverage and private insurance. Chances aren't great at our age but will see how it goes.

It's wild how the years get by you and all of a sudden it's basically too late. I could see it being very difficult for someone deadset on having kids. I was never of that mind but assumed it was a 50/50 it would happen, and higher once I got married.

[esquire]

Originally Posted by niwell

Having a support network seems crucial as well.

Oh man. This makes a huge difference and can easily offset some of the challenges of having kids.

My family and my wife's family were (and are) pretty limited in their ability to take on my kids for a range of reasons. We can ask for the occasional evening of babysitting or maybe taking one kid to an activity when we're double booked somehow, but that's about it.

I am kind of envious of friends who leave their kids with an uncle or aunt's family for a weekend of fun with their cousins while they skip off to Vegas for the weekend or whatever... that is unheard of in my world