The Dad Thread

[hipster duck]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

This could be a description of me. I'm also an X-ennial (right on the cusp between the two where I don't quite fit with Millennials or Gen Xers) I'll be 40 this year (Fuck that's scary to admit!). I have a 3 year old and a 4 mth old. The work schedule sounds similar, though mine is even more limited due to other needs / circumstances. It's a good thing I work for family (even though the strain is at a breaking point right now) as I couldn't do a regular job. There is literally not enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm up until midnight many nights catching up on housework. My son has a speech delay and has required extra help and attention. My wife has had multiple medical issues with pregnancy and post partum. Life right now feels like a combo of a meat grinder / marathon sprinkled with small moments of joy with the kids. Marital life is non existent. It's kids 24/7. Spent the entire Halloween weekend building a toddler bed as the baby and 3 year alternated screaming and my wife needed help with other things. I literally don't have enough hands or time to deal with all the fires that are simultaneously burning at any given point.

That sucks, man. It sounds like you have it worse than me, and I'm not exactly having a great time.

Luckily, I think having two kids under 4 is the worst phase of parenting. I've heard the teenager thing, too, but right now I'd just value time to do anything, even if it means getting ignored or having doors slammed in my face.

I have a friend who has kids that are now 7 and 9. When he was where we were now, I'd have to buy him beers during that once every half year that I could see him to let him drown his sorrows. Now when I see him, he's in such a great mood. The last time we were together he had a little too much to drink and revealed a bit too much info on his sex life, which - to cut out the details - sounds like it's going through a second honeymoon phase.

[YOWflier]

Dad of 2 here. So damn busy.

Wife and I have a fairly “classic” work split on the home front, but she’s self-employed and I have a salaried job with benefits. Kids are sick? Daddy day care. COVID lockdowns? Daddy day care. School closures? Daddy day care. When kids were babies, daddy day care, except for first months when mom took some time.

Doing all that plus managing wife’s business plus our other interests plus my own demanding career has been…fatiguing.

[drew]

I have a 12 and 9 year old.

We were in our early 30's when the first kid was born, and if I had to do it all over again, we would have had the kids 5 years earlier.

Even given the financial constraints - dad'ing is a young man's game! Especially the early years.

[thewave46]

Originally Posted by hipster duck

Now when I see him, he's in such a great mood. The last time we were together he had a little too much to drink and revealed a bit too much info on his sex life, which - to cut out the details - sounds like it's going through a second honeymoon phase.

Heh.

As long as he knows how to keep things under wraps.

Had a couple of friends fall prey to a revitalized whimsy in their marriage. Until, uh, surprise! Revitalization ended and they got a reminder of how much work a newborn is....again.

[esquire]

Originally Posted by drew

I have a 12 and 9 year old.

We were in our early 30's when the first kid was born, and if I had to do it all over again, we would have had the kids 5 years earlier.

Even given the financial constraints - dad'ing is a young man's game! Especially the early years.

There is a certain sweet spot. I probably would have been too immature to be a good dad at 20, for instance. But chasing around a baby now in my 40s would be exhausting.

Looking back at it, the late 20s would probably have been the most ideal time for me to start having kids... young enough to be energetic and still have lots of years to enjoy down the road with grandchildren, etc., but old enough to be mature and financially stable/independent. I ended up with my first kid in my mid 30s.

[Acajack]

Originally Posted by esquire

There is a certain sweet spot. I probably would have been too immature to be a good dad at 20, for instance. But chasing around a baby now in my 40s would be exhausting.

Looking back at it, the late 20s would probably have been the most ideal time for me to start having kids... young enough to be energetic and still have lots of years to enjoy down the road with grandchildren, etc., but old enough to be mature and financially stable/independent. I ended up with my first kid in my mid 30s.

My wife and I had our first in our early 30s and my view is that same: if we were to start over it would have been around 28.

We were already together and married at that time, but wanted to wait until we were "stable" in our careers and fully ready.

Turns out you're never really "ready" for everything parenthood throws at you, and while that doesn't mean I'd advise my kids to make a rash decision about that when they're too young, a lot of couples put it off too long because they want to be absolutely perfectly ready.

[harls]

Originally Posted by HomeInMyShoes

I am a dad to three boys. 12 - 6 - 2.

I am 52. Too old to have a two year old in my mind, but that's the way our life has gone. It has been incredibly rewarding, but it's insanity I tell you!

Wow, I can't imagine having a 2 year old right now

I have two boys 15 and 12. The younger guy is a handful. The older one is just like I was when I was his age... perfectly chill, never gave his parents any problems.

The other one... let's just say.. takes after his mom.

I worked from home from 2007 to 2017. It really helped form a good bond with my kids.

[harls]

Originally Posted by esquire

There is a certain sweet spot. I probably would have been too immature to be a good dad at 20, for instance. But chasing around a baby now in my 40s would be exhausting.

Looking back at it, the late 20s would probably have been the most ideal time for me to start having kids... young enough to be energetic and still have lots of years to enjoy down the road with grandchildren, etc., but old enough to be mature and financially stable/independent. I ended up with my first kid in my mid 30s.

Both my parents were 19 when I was born. I think I might have been an 'oops'.

I had my first kid at 29, much more sensible

[Acajack]

Originally Posted by esquire

Interesting stories. My kids are elementary school age and we are the cliched yuppie helicopter parents taking them from one sport or activity to another

But they love it... we wouldn't force them to do anything. My wife and I grew up in working class households and we never got the chance to do a lot of the things our kids get to experience, so it feels nice to give them the opportunity. It does mean that there isn't a ton of time for our own pursuits, but that's fine... we know this phase won't last that long.
.

You're very right about that.

I could have done lots of activities as a kid but would always quit them. I tried a bunch of things but never got into anything with a passion. As a child I always envied those who had been doing some form of activity for their entire childhood and youth, got really good at it and also developed a circle of friends as a result.

My wife was a bit like me though stuck with certain things a bit more, but my kids ended up being really passionate and good at their activities. We ended up living much of our non-work lives for the kids' activities for more than a decade, spending tens of thousands of dollars no doubt. I was a volunteer dad, my wife was a volunteer mom, and we spent several weekends a year out of town with the group. Many of our friends today are the parents of other kids who took part in the same activity.

We've been out of that for a couple of years now. We quite just before the pandemic hit. But I am still nostalgic for it.

And so is my wife.

Those were some of the best years of our lives.

[esquire]

Originally Posted by Acajack

I could have done lots of activities as a kid but would always quit them. I tried a bunch of things but never got into anything with a passion. As a child I always envied those who had been doing some form of activity for their entire childhood and youth, got really good at it and also developed a circle of friends as a result.

It's funny that you mention that. I was the same way. I did have some activities but I never really stuck with them. And my parents didn't really push me. They respected my wishes which... I don't know. If your seven year old tells you they don't want to continue with swimming lessons, does it make sense to listen to them?

I'll never be the dad who throws a screaming child out on the ice yelling "YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY, DAMMIT!" But at the same time I do want to provide more encouragement than I got as a child. And even at the young ages of my kids it's nice to see them sticking with it and having fun. My kids have a lot of activities but their favourites are hockey for my son, and dance for my daughter... neither is likely to ever make a living at those pursuits, but it's fun, they enjoy it, and it's good for them so I support it wholeheartedly as long as it lasts.

[MolsonExport]

Originally Posted by harls

Both my parents were 19 when I was born. I think I might have been an 'oops'.

I had my first kid at 29, much more sensible

I was positively ancient, aged 36 for my first and 38 for my second (at 53 now, I am at the age when many dads of times past would have been a grandfather....some of my friends are already grandfathers).

Young people often don't realize how narrow that optimal window is. In my case, I was in school until I was 24, then career for 5 years, then back to school, ostensibly for a Master's degree only, but then I decided to also do a PhD and the years that this took....suddenly you are in your mid thirties, without much economic resources, and you've got to get your career (back) on track, start a family, buy a home, etc....

Mind you, I still felt fresh and young at 36....big difference than now at 53 (even though physically, I am in good shape, but the years take their toll regardless). You have to think backwards: If I wait until__ to have a kid, how old will I be if the kid stays home until they are 24 years old? And then, if I want to have more kids in the future...same mental calculus applies.

[HomeInMyShoes]

Originally Posted by Zeej

New dad here to a 5-month old.

I am so tired.

Also stressed about job security - as an architect, we are affected early by economic headwinds, but luckily we seem to have a steady flow. I've never been this stressed about work before. Being responsible for a little human is shockingly life altering. No amount of books or parenting courses really prepare you it seems.

Congratulations. Sleep will get better eventually.

[harls]

Man, I can't math today. I got married at 29, had my first kid at 31.

This is what kids do to you.

[Wigs]

nice to see a wholesome thread!

I give you guys and your spouses/partners credit. I could have been a father in my late 20s or 30, but now I wouldn't even have the energy. I don't understand how people had large families back in the day. My Dad comes from a family of 9, 8 siblings, and my maternal grandfather came from a family of 12!

My niece "threenager" as O-tacular says is the closest I get (right now) and she's a long distance away in Cali. My brother uses Skype/Zoom calls as grandparent virtual babysitting sessions

[HomeInMyShoes]

Originally Posted by harls

Man, I can't math today. I got married at 29, had my first kid at 31.

This is what kids do to you.

It's all that new math.

[MolsonExport]

Migs, please don't sully any more threads.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by Zeej

New dad here to a 5-month old.

I am so tired.

Also stressed about job security - as an architect, we are affected early by economic headwinds, but luckily we seem to have a steady flow. I've never been this stressed about work before. Being responsible for a little human is shockingly life altering. No amount of books or parenting courses really prepare you it seems.

Congrats! I found the 6-9mth mark the sweet spot with my first born so it gets better! They sleep better and start to develop more of a personality. The first months are the roughest.

[WhipperSnapper]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

???

I don't live with the kid and I still need space that I don't have to think about her like SSP LOL . Also, she's a teenaged noob. We're not at dating yet.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by hipster duck

That sucks, man. It sounds like you have it worse than me, and I'm not exactly having a great time.

Luckily, I think having two kids under 4 is the worst phase of parenting. I've heard the teenager thing, too, but right now I'd just value time to do anything, even if it means getting ignored or having doors slammed in my face.

I have a friend who has kids that are now 7 and 9. When he was where we were now, I'd have to buy him beers during that once every half year that I could see him to let him drown his sorrows. Now when I see him, he's in such a great mood. The last time we were together he had a little too much to drink and revealed a bit too much info on his sex life, which - to cut out the details - sounds like it's going through a second honeymoon phase.

Lol you mean parents can have a sex life again?! Glad to hear he's happier and it gets easier. I don't know if I have it worse than you, but it hasn't been easy. I don't wanna be that guy (like a friend of mine) who downplays others' struggles because they think they have it worse. Also Boomers like to downplay how hard it is because a) the dads left all the work to the moms b) they were generally younger parents c) cost of living was less d) safety was virtually non existent and e) there was no internet to shame them for their parenting.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by FlyYOW

Dad of 2 here. So damn busy.

Wife and I have a fairly “classic” work split on the home front, but she’s self-employed and I have a salaried job with benefits. Kids are sick? Daddy day care. COVID lockdowns? Daddy day care. School closures? Daddy day care. When kids were babies, daddy day care, except for first months when mom took some time.

Doing all that plus managing wife’s business plus our other interests plus my own demanding career has been…fatiguing.

Daddy Daycare is the unspoken reason for 90% of work missed these days.