Fucking love hydrangeas.
My ex came to visit today. Stayed for a couple of the best hours of my summer lol God, it's such a privilege being alive. I'm a bit fucked up today, sorry. You might remember when my mother was committed with psychosis in October. I posted about it, but kept deleting it later in regret of ACTUALLY opening up. But, fuck it. She made a full and complete recovery (had lots of convos with her careworkers, including one on Grindr. Turns out most people make a full recovery. It's just the especially old who often go straight from mental illness to dementia, and they said schizophrenia should be classified as a degenerative disease because every time they recover, it's a little less than before. And they ALWAYS relapse, because they think they don't need their meds because they don't hear voices, or the voices tell them to stop the meds. So they see the same people progressively getting worse, once or twice a year, until they're gone.
ANYHOW, point is, now my poor mother has breast cancer. A true annus horribilis. At least she recovered from the "self-induced psychosis" (her Polish doctor's way of telling me it's literally ONLY that, she's completely healthy otherwise, it's not age or dementia or anything, was to say, "She's very well-preserved", which I giggle at at least once daily). There were cancerous cells in one breast, so they took those out. This was in April (I didn't know. My parents are VERY private, and protective of me. I won't even know they can no longer live alone until they call me to give me their new address in the old-age home). Anyhow, in the follow-up, they found a few more cancerous cells in the breast, and a few pre-cancerous cells in the lymph nodes under the adjacent armpit.
It's a very non-aggressive type of cancer. Doctor even said she'd get another decade, minimum, even if they hadn't found it. And it is very early. They offered to scoop out a bit more, but Mom is not fucking around. She wants the whole breast removed, so then she can hopefully get away with radiation/pills and no chemo (she doesn't want to lose her hair. "I'm not an idiot, or suicidal. It it's 100% death without, and 100% survival with, I'll do the chemo. But if it's 75% survival without, 96% survival with, I'm not doing it Ryan. Please respect that." And I do. I never want to go fully under in anesthesia. Given the choice between that and death, I think I'd choose death. I've no idea why it terrifies me so much. So, point being, I respect her boundaries and have fucked up ones of my own.
So anyway, acting out, making bad decisions, enjoying the weekend. Keeps your fingers crossed for me mudder. She's truly the most... deserving of joy... person I know.
They're doing routine bone tests and the like today to make sure it's not anywhere else (always a chance, but her healthcare team is telling her, "I can't promise you anything, but if I was you, I wouldn't lose a single hour of sleep. There is nothing here that isn't the best of all possibilities.") And then her surgery is Tuesday, bumped up from next Friday due to a cancellation. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. I'm... what a year, man. What a fucking year. Really looking forward to our twice-weekly brunch tomorrow. I'm going to hug Mom and say see her soon, and then point to her left breast and say, "And you I'll never see again." hehe.