The Dad Thread

[O-tacular]

I know there's been kids threads in the past but wanted to make one for dads (or moms I guess, though I'm not aware of any on this board) to share war stories, advice / wisdom, questions and general support.

I recently read an article about how modern day dads (mostly Millennial and Gen Z) help with kids and home chores an average of 30% more than prior generations. This is a good thing, but it is leading to increasing stress such as working mothers have faced in the past. Things like burnout and problems with juggling work and family life.

In any case, hopefully this thread can be a positive place to share such struggles (if any) or even just relate as dads. Seems like women bond over motherhood, why can't we do the same as fathers?

[esquire]

Dad squad represent!

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by esquire

Dad squad represent!

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[esquire]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

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[MolsonExport]

Dad for nearly 17 years now, with two kids, a wife, and an ancient cat (nearly 19 years old). My full time job, it seems on some days. Never mind the fact that I toil 60 hours a week in academia.

Being a father is the greatest and most difficult/tiring job of all, except maybe for being a mother. My kids look at pictures of me before they were born and wonder "how I got so old looking". I actually look young for my age, but many dads here will understand the toil that parenting takes upon one's life, even though it is worth it in spades....if I had to do it all over again, I would have started a few years earlier and had at least one more kid.

My eldest refused to wait. After getting married at the end of May in 2005, we honeymooned (Maui) for two weeks. The day after returning, we moved to London (from Montreal). The day after that, we discovered that we were expecting. Less than 7 months later, my son was born (9 weeks early, and breech, so he spent a month in NICU...now he is taller than I). Neither my wife or I was finished grad school. That was a really hard year of full time tenure-track professorship in a new city + finishing dissertation in the previous city + parenting (no family at all nearby). My daughter arrived a couple of years later.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by MolsonExport

Being a father is the greatest and most difficult/tiring job of all, except maybe for being a mother. My kids look at pictures of me before they were born and wonder "how I got so old looking". I actually look young for my age, but many dads here will understand the toil that parenting takes upon one's life, even though it is worth it in spades....if I had to do it all over again, I would have started a few years earlier and had at least one more kid.

Yes. It's a cliche I only now have come to understand. Being a father is the hardest job you will ever have.

[hipster duck]

I'm a dad to a 3 year old and an infant, and I'm also an X-ennial.

My kids dominate my life right now. I'm essentially putting a lot of personal projects on hold - or at least at a steady boil - so I can have enough energy after 5pm to look after my kids.

For example, my job is starting to grow a bit stale (all jobs do, because the priorities shift in an organization, and what you were hired to do can often get relegated to the backburner), but it does pay well and has decent benefits. In before-kid times, I would have found a new job months ago, but I don't have the time or energy to go out and network, nor could I promise a prospective employer that I could put in the effort to really do a good job, or to put in the work to reinvent my current job. With daycare schedules and a toddler that drags her feet trying to leave in the mornings, I can't really put in much more than a 9-5, and often it's more like 9:45 - 4:30. Thank god for WFH! Also, once you become a father, job interest and satisfaction has to take somewhat of a backseat to job security, pay and benefits, so I'm sticking around even if, deep down, I find it unsatisfying.

The other thing that's been sacrificed is hobbies or interests that require deep, intensive periods of concentration. You have little scraps of time - ten minutes here, fifteen minutes there, maybe an hour at the end of the night when you're exhausted - to do stuff, but that's not enough to do stuff I really want, so I just end up scrolling around on my phone, and coming to places like here.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by hipster duck

I'm a dad to a 3 year old and an infant, and I'm also an X-ennial.

My kids dominate my life right now. I'm essentially putting a lot of personal projects on hold - or at least at a steady boil - so I can have enough energy after 5pm to look after my kids.

For example, my job is starting to grow a bit stale (all jobs do, because the priorities shift in an organization, and what you were hired to do can often get relegated to the backburner), but it does pay well and has decent benefits. In before-kid times, I would have found a new job months ago, but I don't have the time or energy to go out and network, nor could I promise a prospective employer that I could put in the effort to really do a good job. With daycare schedules and a toddler that drags her feet, I can't really put in much more than a 9-5, and often it's more like 9:45 - 4:30. Also, once you become a father, job interest and satisfaction has to take somewhat of a backseat to job security, pay and benefits, so I'm sticking around even if, deep down, I find it unsatisfying.

The other thing that's been sacrificed is hobbies or interests that require deep, intensive periods of concentration. You have little bits of space - ten minutes here, fifteen minutes there, maybe an hour at the end of the night when you're exhausted - to do stuff, but that's not enough time to do stuff I really want, so I just end up scrolling around on my phone, and coming to places like here.

This could be a description of me. I'm also an X-ennial (right on the cusp between the two where I don't quite fit with Millennials or Gen Xers) I'll be 40 this year (Fuck that's scary to admit!). I have a 3 year old and a 4 mth old. The work schedule sounds similar, though mine is even more limited due to other needs / circumstances. It's a good thing I work for family (even though the strain is at a breaking point right now) as I couldn't do a regular job. There is literally not enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm up until midnight many nights catching up on housework. My son has a speech delay and has required extra help and attention. My wife has had multiple medical issues with pregnancy and post partum. Life right now feels like a combo of a meat grinder / marathon sprinkled with small moments of joy with the kids. Marital life is non existent. It's kids 24/7. Spent the entire Halloween weekend building a toddler bed as the baby and 3 year alternated screaming and my wife needed help with other things. I literally don't have enough hands or time to deal with all the fires that are simultaneously burning at any given point.

[MolsonExport]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

This could be a description of me. I'm also an X-ennial (right on the cusp between the two where I don't quite fit with Millennials or Gen Xers) I'll be 40 this year (Fuck that's scary to admit!). I have a 3 year old and a 4 mth old. The work schedule sounds similar, though mine is even more limited due to other needs / circumstances. It's a good thing I work for family (even though the strain is at a breaking point right now) as I couldn't do a regular job. There is literally not enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm up until midnight many nights catching up on housework. My son has a speech delay and has required extra help and attention. My wife has had multiple medical issues with pregnancy and post partum. Life right now feels like a combo of a meat grinder / marathon sprinkled with small moments of joy with the kids. Marital life is non existent. It's kids 24/7. Spent the entire Halloween weekend building a toddler bed as the baby and 3 year alternated screaming and my wife needed help with other things. I literally don't have enough hands or time to deal with all the fires that are simultaneously burning at any given point.

I hear ya. I remember those early years....I felt like I didn't have enough time to take a shit; at least without getting interrupted.

it will get better. there will be more joyful moments to compliment the hard times.

[esquire]

Originally Posted by MolsonExport

I hear ya. I remember those early years....I felt like I didn't have enough time to take a shit; at least without getting interrupted.

it will get better. there will be more joyful moments to compliment the hard times.

Oh goodness yes. It is tough for sure when kids are in the toddler/preschooler years. (At least when they're babies they tend to stay wherever you put them down )

[Zeej]

New dad here to a 5-month old.

I am so tired.

Also stressed about job security - as an architect, we are affected early by economic headwinds, but luckily we seem to have a steady flow. I've never been this stressed about work before. Being responsible for a little human is shockingly life altering. No amount of books or parenting courses really prepare you it seems.

[hipster duck]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

This could be a description of me. I'm also an X-ennial (right on the cusp between the two where I don't quite fit with Millennials or Gen Xers) I'll be 40 this year (Fuck that's scary to admit!). I have a 3 year old and a 4 mth old. The work schedule sounds similar, though mine is even more limited due to other needs / circumstances. It's a good thing I work for family (even though the strain is at a breaking point right now) as I couldn't do a regular job. There is literally not enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm up until midnight many nights catching up on housework. My son has a speech delay and has required extra help and attention. My wife has had multiple medical issues with pregnancy and post partum. Life right now feels like a combo of a meat grinder / marathon sprinkled with small moments of joy with the kids. Marital life is non existent. It's kids 24/7. Spent the entire Halloween weekend building a toddler bed as the baby and 3 year alternated screaming and my wife needed help with other things. I literally don't have enough hands or time to deal with all the fires that are simultaneously burning at any given point.

That sucks, man. It sounds like you have it worse than me, and I'm not exactly having a great time.

Luckily, I think having two kids under 4 is the worst phase of parenting. I've heard the teenager thing, too, but right now I'd just value time to do anything, even if it means getting ignored or having doors slammed in my face.

I have a friend who has kids that are now 7 and 9. When he was where we were now, I'd have to buy him beers during that once every half year that I could see him to let him drown his sorrows. Now when I see him, he's in such a great mood. The last time we were together he had a little too much to drink and revealed a bit too much info on his sex life, which - to cut out the details - sounds like it's going through a second honeymoon phase.

[YOWflier]

Dad of 2 here. So damn busy.

Wife and I have a fairly “classic” work split on the home front, but she’s self-employed and I have a salaried job with benefits. Kids are sick? Daddy day care. COVID lockdowns? Daddy day care. School closures? Daddy day care. When kids were babies, daddy day care, except for first months when mom took some time.

Doing all that plus managing wife’s business plus our other interests plus my own demanding career has been…fatiguing.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by FlyYOW

Dad of 2 here. So damn busy.

Wife and I have a fairly “classic” work split on the home front, but she’s self-employed and I have a salaried job with benefits. Kids are sick? Daddy day care. COVID lockdowns? Daddy day care. School closures? Daddy day care. When kids were babies, daddy day care, except for first months when mom took some time.

Doing all that plus managing wife’s business plus our other interests plus my own demanding career has been…fatiguing.

Daddy Daycare is the unspoken reason for 90% of work missed these days.

[thewave46]

Originally Posted by hipster duck

Now when I see him, he's in such a great mood. The last time we were together he had a little too much to drink and revealed a bit too much info on his sex life, which - to cut out the details - sounds like it's going through a second honeymoon phase.

Heh.

As long as he knows how to keep things under wraps.

Had a couple of friends fall prey to a revitalized whimsy in their marriage. Until, uh, surprise! Revitalization ended and they got a reminder of how much work a newborn is....again.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by hipster duck

That sucks, man. It sounds like you have it worse than me, and I'm not exactly having a great time.

Luckily, I think having two kids under 4 is the worst phase of parenting. I've heard the teenager thing, too, but right now I'd just value time to do anything, even if it means getting ignored or having doors slammed in my face.

I have a friend who has kids that are now 7 and 9. When he was where we were now, I'd have to buy him beers during that once every half year that I could see him to let him drown his sorrows. Now when I see him, he's in such a great mood. The last time we were together he had a little too much to drink and revealed a bit too much info on his sex life, which - to cut out the details - sounds like it's going through a second honeymoon phase.

Lol you mean parents can have a sex life again?! Glad to hear he's happier and it gets easier. I don't know if I have it worse than you, but it hasn't been easy. I don't wanna be that guy (like a friend of mine) who downplays others' struggles because they think they have it worse. Also Boomers like to downplay how hard it is because a) the dads left all the work to the moms b) they were generally younger parents c) cost of living was less d) safety was virtually non existent and e) there was no internet to shame them for their parenting.

[WarrenC12]

Originally Posted by hipster duck

For example, my job is starting to grow a bit stale (all jobs do, because the priorities shift in an organization, and what you were hired to do can often get relegated to the backburner), but it does pay well and has decent benefits. In before-kid times, I would have found a new job months ago, but I don't have the time or energy to go out and network, nor could I promise a prospective employer that I could put in the effort to really do a good job, or to put in the work to reinvent my current job.

Yep I feel this. Work is just a way to get by, not a way of life. Family becomes much more important when you have kids, I think. And I still want some time to do my own hobbies.

[WhipperSnapper]

Wait until your kid(s) is/are teenagers. In my experience, the last thing you will want to do is start a Dad thread in a skyscraper forum. I'm divorced and she lives with her mother in another province.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by WhipperSnapper

Wait until your kid(s) is/are teenagers.

I've heard that multiple times. If I can take a shit or have a shower or even eat a meal without interruption I will take the teenager.

In my experience, the last thing you will want to do is start a Dad thread in a skyscraper forum. I'm divorced and she lives with her mother in another province.

???

[WhipperSnapper]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

???

I don't live with the kid and I still need space that I don't have to think about her like SSP LOL . Also, she's a teenaged noob. We're not at dating yet.