The Dad Thread
 

I know there's been kids threads in the past but wanted to make one for dads (or moms I guess, though I'm not aware of any on this board) to share war stories, advice / wisdom, questions and general support.

I recently read an article about how modern day dads (mostly Millennial and Gen Z) help with kids and home chores an average of 30% more than prior generations. This is a good thing, but it is leading to increasing stress such as working mothers have faced in the past. Things like burnout and problems with juggling work and family life.

In any case, hopefully this thread can be a positive place to share such struggles (if any) or even just relate as dads. Seems like women bond over motherhood, why can't we do the same as fathers?

Dad squad represent!

Dad for nearly 17 years now, with two kids, a wife, and an ancient cat (nearly 19 years old). My full time job, it seems on some days. Never mind the fact that I toil 60 hours a week in academia.

Being a father is the greatest and most difficult/tiring job of all, except maybe for being a mother. My kids look at pictures of me before they were born and wonder "how I got so old looking". I actually look young for my age, but many dads here will understand the toil that parenting takes upon one's life, even though it is worth it in spades....if I had to do it all over again, I would have started a few years earlier and had at least one more kid.

My eldest refused to wait. After getting married at the end of May in 2005, we honeymooned (Maui) for two weeks. The day after returning, we moved to London (from Montreal). The day after that, we discovered that we were expecting. Less than 7 months later, my son was born (9 weeks early, and breech, so he spent a month in NICU...now he is taller than I). Neither my wife or I was finished grad school. That was a really hard year of full time tenure-track professorship in a new city + finishing dissertation in the previous city + parenting (no family at all nearby). My daughter arrived a couple of years later.

I'm a dad to a 3 year old and an infant, and I'm also an X-ennial.

My kids dominate my life right now. I'm essentially putting a lot of personal projects on hold - or at least at a steady boil - so I can have enough energy after 5pm to look after my kids.

For example, my job is starting to grow a bit stale (all jobs do, because the priorities shift in an organization, and what you were hired to do can often get relegated to the backburner), but it does pay well and has decent benefits. In before-kid times, I would have found a new job months ago, but I don't have the time or energy to go out and network, nor could I promise a prospective employer that I could put in the effort to really do a good job, or to put in the work to reinvent my current job. With daycare schedules and a toddler that drags her feet trying to leave in the mornings, I can't really put in much more than a 9-5, and often it's more like 9:45 - 4:30. Thank god for WFH! Also, once you become a father, job interest and satisfaction has to take somewhat of a backseat to job security, pay and benefits, so I'm sticking around even if, deep down, I find it unsatisfying.

The other thing that's been sacrificed is hobbies or interests that require deep, intensive periods of concentration. You have little scraps of time - ten minutes here, fifteen minutes there, maybe an hour at the end of the night when you're exhausted - to do stuff, but that's not enough to do stuff I really want, so I just end up scrolling around on my phone, and coming to places like here.

Yes. It's a cliche I only now have come to understand. Being a father is the hardest job you will ever have.

:haha:

Wait until your kid(s) is/are teenagers. In my experience, the last thing you will want to do is start a Dad thread in a skyscraper forum. I'm divorced and she lives with her mother in another province.

This could be a description of me. I'm also an X-ennial (right on the cusp between the two where I don't quite fit with Millennials or Gen Xers) I'll be 40 this year (Fuck that's scary to admit!). I have a 3 year old and a 4 mth old. The work schedule sounds similar, though mine is even more limited due to other needs / circumstances. It's a good thing I work for family (even though the strain is at a breaking point right now) as I couldn't do a regular job. There is literally not enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm up until midnight many nights catching up on housework. My son has a speech delay and has required extra help and attention. My wife has had multiple medical issues with pregnancy and post partum. Life right now feels like a combo of a meat grinder / marathon sprinkled with small moments of joy with the kids. Marital life is non existent. It's kids 24/7. Spent the entire Halloween weekend building a toddler bed as the baby and 3 year alternated screaming and my wife needed help with other things. I literally don't have enough hands or time to deal with all the fires that are simultaneously burning at any given point.

I've heard that multiple times. If I can take a shit or have a shower or even eat a meal without interruption I will take the teenager.


???

40? You're a young'un. I am turning 53 (!) in a few days. For the first time, I am actually starting to count the years until I can retire (although each time they raise interest rates, that gets pushed back a year or two).

One thing about being a dad: the hamster wheel of life spins a heck of a lot faster.
https://media1.giphy.com/media/jTkDN...d=200.gif&ct=g

Yep I feel this. Work is just a way to get by, not a way of life. Family becomes much more important when you have kids, I think. And I still want some time to do my own hobbies.

teenagers are....difficult. there was a golden period when the kids were say, 10-12. Old enough to take care of themselves in many respects. Young enough to want to spend time with their folks (or not be "Embarrassed" by them). Nowhere near as exhausting as say, when they were aged 0-4. But you become a taxi driver, and you become broke (they always need new clothes, they have expensive tastes, they eat all the time....they suck my wallet dry!). I still love them to death, of course.

My 16+ year old son barely gives me the time of day, and he is seemingly always pissed off at me. We used to be great friends....I think it is just the age. I recall not wanting to spend any time with my parents at that age (my own folks were split up by the time I was 14, so it was not a happy home). My daughter is now showing the same teenage attitude, and hates being told to do anything.

It's obvious that I'm quite a bit older than most here. My Daughter and Son are 30 and 26 respectfully. They are well on their way in their chosen careers (Archivist and Radio Personality) but there appears to be no grandchildren on the horizon (I'm sooooo ready to be grandpa!)

While my kids were growing up I was a sea going naval officer so I feel I wasn't around enough to be an overbearing father. But from what I'm told by my children they took my sayings to heart - "Bad news never get better with age" "Be aware that the kid at the till has no control of the cost of anything they are selling, so don't be an asshole". There are few others but you get my drift.
But in the end I give most of the credit to my ex-wife and even when we divorced we are still friends and our kids really appreciate that and is reflected in their (mostly) positive outlook.

Oh one more thing, if your kids are into sports please don't be the jackass parent in the stands or sidelines yelling advice to your child or coaches. Or even worse getting into fights, nothing damages a child's psyche more than a parent that publicly embarrasses them.

Interesting stories. My kids are elementary school age and we are the cliched yuppie helicopter parents taking them from one sport or activity to another :haha:

But they love it... we wouldn't force them to do anything. My wife and I grew up in working class households and we never got the chance to do a lot of the things our kids get to experience, so it feels nice to give them the opportunity. It does mean that there isn't a ton of time for our own pursuits, but that's fine... we know this phase won't last that long.

My son in many ways is a mini-me, he is even a sports nut. He loves to play, but he also loves to go with me to games. I took him to his first Bomber game when he was 3 and to my amazement he was interested for the entire 4 hours+ from pregame to the final gun. Not a week goes by during the season where we aren't making it out to watch a hockey or football game, or at least watching on TV. It is fun having something like that to bond over!

My daughter is younger, she has a wider range of activities. She is a huge fan of Disney+ and she is always singing the songs. She's a December birthday so she is among the youngest in her class. She loves dance and she's a veteran Timbits ringette player too.

I am a dad to three boys. 12 - 6 - 2.

I am 52. Too old to have a two year old in my mind, but that's the way our life has gone. It has been incredibly rewarding, but it's insanity I tell you!

I hear ya. I remember those early years....I felt like I didn't have enough time to take a shit; at least without getting interrupted.

it will get better. there will be more joyful moments to compliment the hard times.

Oh goodness yes. It is tough for sure when kids are in the toddler/preschooler years. (At least when they're babies they tend to stay wherever you put them down :haha: )

New dad here to a 5-month old.

I am so tired.

Also stressed about job security - as an architect, we are affected early by economic headwinds, but luckily we seem to have a steady flow. I've never been this stressed about work before. Being responsible for a little human is shockingly life altering. No amount of books or parenting courses really prepare you it seems.

Father to a 9 year old girl. :)

[QUOTE]Hey congrats. :cheers:

That sucks, man. It sounds like you have it worse than me, and I'm not exactly having a great time.

Luckily, I think having two kids under 4 is the worst phase of parenting. I've heard the teenager thing, too, but right now I'd just value time to do anything, even if it means getting ignored or having doors slammed in my face.

I have a friend who has kids that are now 7 and 9. When he was where we were now, I'd have to buy him beers during that once every half year that I could see him to let him drown his sorrows. Now when I see him, he's in such a great mood. The last time we were together he had a little too much to drink and revealed a bit too much info on his sex life, which - to cut out the details - sounds like it's going through a second honeymoon phase.

Dad of 2 here. So damn busy.

Wife and I have a fairly “classic” work split on the home front, but she’s self-employed and I have a salaried job with benefits. Kids are sick? Daddy day care. COVID lockdowns? Daddy day care. School closures? Daddy day care. When kids were babies, daddy day care, except for first months when mom took some time.

Doing all that plus managing wife’s business plus our other interests plus my own demanding career has been…fatiguing.

I have a 12 and 9 year old.

We were in our early 30's when the first kid was born, and if I had to do it all over again, we would have had the kids 5 years earlier.

Even given the financial constraints - dad'ing is a young man's game! Especially the early years.

Heh.

As long as he knows how to keep things under wraps.

Had a couple of friends fall prey to a revitalized whimsy in their marriage. Until, uh, surprise! Revitalization ended and they got a reminder of how much work a newborn is....again.

There is a certain sweet spot. I probably would have been too immature to be a good dad at 20, for instance. But chasing around a baby now in my 40s would be exhausting.

Looking back at it, the late 20s would probably have been the most ideal time for me to start having kids... young enough to be energetic and still have lots of years to enjoy down the road with grandchildren, etc., but old enough to be mature and financially stable/independent. I ended up with my first kid in my mid 30s.

My wife and I had our first in our early 30s and my view is that same: if we were to start over it would have been around 28.

We were already together and married at that time, but wanted to wait until we were "stable" in our careers and fully ready.

Turns out you're never really "ready" for everything parenthood throws at you, and while that doesn't mean I'd advise my kids to make a rash decision about that when they're too young, a lot of couples put it off too long because they want to be absolutely perfectly ready.

Wow, I can't imagine having a 2 year old right now :D

I have two boys 15 and 12. The younger guy is a handful. The older one is just like I was when I was his age... perfectly chill, never gave his parents any problems.

The other one... let's just say.. takes after his mom. :D

I worked from home from 2007 to 2017. It really helped form a good bond with my kids.

Both my parents were 19 when I was born. I think I might have been an 'oops'.

I had my first kid at 29, much more sensible :D

You're very right about that.

I could have done lots of activities as a kid but would always quit them. I tried a bunch of things but never got into anything with a passion. As a child I always envied those who had been doing some form of activity for their entire childhood and youth, got really good at it and also developed a circle of friends as a result.

My wife was a bit like me though stuck with certain things a bit more, but my kids ended up being really passionate and good at their activities. We ended up living much of our non-work lives for the kids' activities for more than a decade, spending tens of thousands of dollars no doubt. I was a volunteer dad, my wife was a volunteer mom, and we spent several weekends a year out of town with the group. Many of our friends today are the parents of other kids who took part in the same activity.

We've been out of that for a couple of years now. We quite just before the pandemic hit. But I am still nostalgic for it.

And so is my wife.

Those were some of the best years of our lives.

It's funny that you mention that. I was the same way. I did have some activities but I never really stuck with them. And my parents didn't really push me. They respected my wishes which... I don't know. If your seven year old tells you they don't want to continue with swimming lessons, does it make sense to listen to them? :haha:

I'll never be the dad who throws a screaming child out on the ice yelling "YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY, DAMMIT!" But at the same time I do want to provide more encouragement than I got as a child. And even at the young ages of my kids it's nice to see them sticking with it and having fun. My kids have a lot of activities but their favourites are hockey for my son, and dance for my daughter... neither is likely to ever make a living at those pursuits, but it's fun, they enjoy it, and it's good for them so I support it wholeheartedly as long as it lasts.

I was positively ancient, aged 36 for my first and 38 for my second (at 53 now, I am at the age when many dads of times past would have been a grandfather....some of my friends are already grandfathers).

Young people often don't realize how narrow that optimal window is. In my case, I was in school until I was 24, then career for 5 years, then back to school, ostensibly for a Master's degree only, but then I decided to also do a PhD and the years that this took....suddenly you are in your mid thirties, without much economic resources, and you've got to get your career (back) on track, start a family, buy a home, etc....

Mind you, I still felt fresh and young at 36....big difference than now at 53 (even though physically, I am in good shape, but the years take their toll regardless). You have to think backwards: If I wait until__ to have a kid, how old will I be if the kid stays home until they are 24 years old? And then, if I want to have more kids in the future...same mental calculus applies.

Congratulations. Sleep will get better eventually.

Man, I can't math today. I got married at 29, had my first kid at 31.

This is what kids do to you.

nice to see a wholesome thread!

I give you guys and your spouses/partners credit. I could have been a father in my late 20s or 30, but now I wouldn't even have the energy. I don't understand how people had large families back in the day. My Dad comes from a family of 9, 8 siblings, and my maternal grandfather came from a family of 12!

My niece "threenager" as O-tacular says is the closest I get (right now) and she's a long distance away in Cali. My brother uses Skype/Zoom calls as grandparent virtual babysitting sessions :D

It's all that new math.

Migs, please don't sully any more threads.

Congrats! I found the 6-9mth mark the sweet spot with my first born so it gets better! They sleep better and start to develop more of a personality. The first months are the roughest.

I don't live with the kid and I still need space that I don't have to think about her like SSP LOL . Also, she's a teenaged noob. We're not at dating yet.

Lol you mean parents can have a sex life again?! Glad to hear he's happier and it gets easier. I don't know if I have it worse than you, but it hasn't been easy. I don't wanna be that guy (like a friend of mine) who downplays others' struggles because they think they have it worse. Also Boomers like to downplay how hard it is because a) the dads left all the work to the moms b) they were generally younger parents c) cost of living was less d) safety was virtually non existent and e) there was no internet to shame them for their parenting.

Daddy Daycare is the unspoken reason for 90% of work missed these days.

Yes! Though ironically many lack the patience in youth. It's a pick your poison scenario of lack of energy in middle age vs lack of maturity in youth. HomeInMyShoes has my respect because I'm a decade younger and feel too old at times. Funny enough my health is better now than it was in my 20's though due to undiagnosed conditions. I couldn't have functioned on the lack of sleep back then.

Yes that's true. We were partially in that boat too. The only other couple who could have kids in our family is now passing that point of no return seeming either oblivious or maybe secretly not wanting kids after all. It's sad between 3 other siblings our kids will have no first cousins.

Babies before they sleep through the night are tough but, they are 100x tougher on mothers.

I think I've mostly blocked the 3 year old toddler period from my mind. I do recall understanding previous generations use of capital punishment. Yelling, time outs and, threats against their favourite toys only work for so long.

Wow! I had both my kids at pretty much the exact same ages. Technically the newest I had just turned 39 a month before. But 36 for my first. I've done the mental math of how old I will be when they become teenagers and graduate HS. It freaks me out that I was 18 when my dad turned 40. I still remember his birthday party.

I never thought I'd have the urge to spank my child but can totally relate (I haven't and wouldn't spank him but damn sometimes it feels tempting).

Agreed mothers have it much harder. Especially breast feeding stay at home moms like my wife.

There is still some amount of societal shaming of couples who don't want to have kids, so people who keep putting it off saying they want to be really, really ready may not really desire children and use that as a way to get people off their backs.

Though I do know people who waited too late and who do have regrets, though obviously some have adopted. (Childless professional couples who have passed 40 usually have lots of money for international adoption.)

But if you are in a couple and having children (preferably biological) is an important life goal, you need to realize that there is a specific age window where you can make it happen, and need to align at least some of your life towards that.

Had my kids when I was 37 and 39. NOT the right age for that.

I had wonderful parents so I don't want to bitch against them, but sometimes I wish they had pushed me a bit more: in school especially and also in activities I guess.

Looking back I realize I had an incredible amount of freedom to decide what I wanted to do (though I was reasonably self-motivated in school) but do wonder what could have been if I had been pushed like my kids have been by my wife and I. (Not obsessively so, just enough.)

What a refreshing thread!

I had my kids when I was 38 and 40 (they're now 6 and 3). I tell younger guys that think they want kids to have them when they're younger and have energy.

That being said, yes I'm out of "the pit" of infant-hood now and the joy of watching them grow and learn is unmatched by anything I've ever experienced.

I love the feeling of instant camaraderie with other dads just because we have kids. It's so easy to laugh with them about how over-the-top parenting can be. I love asking older dads for advice - they're always so encouraging and happy to share their experiences war stories. My kids have definitely brought out the best and worst in me.

My favourite things to ask new dads is "Have you brushed your teeth this week?" Always gets a good laugh. :D

I’m a dad of 3 as well. A soon to be 12 year old girl and 2 boys, 7 and 3. I can confirm the insanity. But I’m 13 years younger than you, so it’s probably a bit more bearable for me.

I’m lucky that both me and my wife’s parents live close by, and we use them as often as we can to babysit. Me and the wife like our alone time as well. I think that makes a big difference.

By the replies on this thread, I see that most dads stopped at 2 kids. We must be the insane ones I guess that went for the third!!